New ‘exasperation surcharge’ boosts Ryanair profits by 23%

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Ryanair has announced a surprise surge in profits, following the introduction of a surcharge on feelings of outrage and misery.

Passenger groups have condemned the practice in the softest possible terms, in order to keep their costs down.

“People love flying to countries near to their destination with us”, announced Morag O’Flaherty, head of policy with the airline.

“But what they love more are our low, low prices. That leaves them with money to pamper themselves with little luxuries, such as tickets, sick bags and cabin pressure.”

Ryanair lead the industry in breaking down every aspect of their service and charging more for it.

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“It’s a very democratic way of doing business”, claimed O’Flaherty, “in theory, if a passenger doesn’t want a seat, or if they can clamber up into the plane without using our little trucks with steps on, they could save themselves around £45.”

Ryanair profits

O’Flaherty believes charging for exasperation was inevitable. “I noticed that a key group of our passengers, a group we call ‘adults’, were getting angry with our business model.”

“We were witnessing a lot of hostility. So I thought to myself, ‘why not put a price on this?’ Just the suggestion of taxing fury made our focus group seethe with rage, so I knew I was on to a winner.”

Other airlines are expected to follow suit, but definitely not because the industry colludes over ticket pricing.

“We were thinking of doing this anyway”, said Frank Garner of Easyjet.

“We’d also noticed the lucrative stream of ire, just after we brought in our policy of holding a whip-round on the plane to keep the luggage doors closed before landing.”

O’Flaherty thinks the new fee is justified. “Times are hard at the moment, so we need to do all we can to help ourselves to passenger’s money after they’ve made a commitment to our fictional, basic prices.”

“We’re obviously keen to retain their business, it’s very hard to put a price on customer loyalty. We normally round it up to a fiver.”