Thursday 6 October 2011

God convinces lunatic mouthpiece not to run for President

God announced last night that he had successfully convinced Sarah Palin not to run for President, finally putting an end to speculation over the damage she could do to His reputation during the 2012 campaign.

Palin announced that following significant hours of prayer, she had concluded that it was not the right time for her to put her opinions into the televisions of every single American citizen.

“She thinks it was her decision, and I’m cool with that,” said God this morning.

“I was getting kinda tired of all those prayers to be honest. She’s a bit like those charity muggers, if you pretend they’re not there and go about your business they’ll eventually leave you alone – but man, she is persistent.”

“I had no choice really, I already made her settle in the most remote US outpost I could find, but still she wanted that national platform.”

“I could see the posters now, ‘Baby Jesus says lower taxes’. The irony is that, although we don’t like taking sides, Jesus is a registered Democrat.”

Palin not to run in 2012

God went on to explain that although he gave humans free will, sometimes He has to play his joker in order to shut someone the hell up.

“It was a toss up between Michele Bachmann and Sarah Palin, but frankly I’m convinced Bachmann is going to say something about homosexuals any day now that will take her out of the running, but there was a very real danger that people might actually vote for Palin.”

“I couldn’t let her become President in the same way I don’t let toddlers become armed policemen.”

“You people don’t realise how much I just helped you out here.”

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