A record-breaking number of A-level entries for England, Wales and Northern Ireland have been awarded A grades, prompting examiners to claim human intelligence is evolving faster than we can handle.
The improvement in grades – for the 27th year in a row – will add to the fears that the nation is breeding a new group of super-intelligent human beings that society is ill-prepared for.
One examiner told us, “We seem to be on the way to completely eradicating idiots.”
“This may sound like a good thing, but who is going to clean our bins? Put items through our supermarket tills? It is a nightmare scenario for us all.”
“There are children being conceived right now that – according to the current trends – will be able to move things solely with the power of their minds, something we are sorely unprepared for.”
Experts have warned that we should be wary of these new super-humans, as their criminal possibilities are almost limitless.
“Of course, these wiley children are doing an excellent job of convincing us they are not really that clever, but the evidence obviously suggests otherwise.”
“They might communicate in monosyllabic text speak, or pretend to be incapable of carrying out a single coherent reasoned thought, but the exam results do not lie.”
“They are a master race of criminal super villains waiting to happen, and they will destroy us all.”