FIFA demand gender test for Liverpool’s Torres

Premiership footballer Fernando Torres has been asked to take a gender test to eliminate concerns he is a woman, according to football’s governing body FIFA.

FIFA says it demanded the test three weeks ago amid fears he should not be able to play in the all male’ Premier League.

Michelle Platini, himself a suspected women, said the “extremely complex, difficult” test results were not due for several weeks.

“It will take us a considerable amount of time to check if Mr, or Mrs, Torres does, or does not, have the male sexual reproductive organs.”

“This sort of test cannot be conducted quickly without medical specialists, there are several ways to cheat the traditional ‘cup and cough’ approach.”

Positive

Liverpool Football Club, said that they are “completely sure” that Torres, 25, is a female but felt that she should be entitled to play in the all male league due to her popularity with team-mates Jamie Carragher and Steven Gerrard.

A source at Liverpool said, “Jamie and Stevie have put in hours of hard work on the training ground with Torres and were both on the verge of securing a much sought after date”.

“We would not have signed Torres if she hadn’t been so pretty.  She’s so graceful, with her flowing locks and smooth skin.”

“Some our fan base is made up of heterosexual males, and posters of Torres adorn the walls of many those fans”.

Withdrawal

FIFA stated: “If it is proved that Torres is female, she will be withdrawn from all FIFA competitions and matches she was involved with will be forfeited to the opposition.”

The Spanish Foreign Minister, Miguel Angel Moratinos, said “we have no issues with Torres’ gender. We may be filthy racists but you can’t accuse us of sexism”.

He added, “We are however concerned that our Euro 2008 triumph might be written out of the history books because of a technicality”.

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