Tuesday 24 April 2018 by Neil Tollfree

Royal baby continues tradition of having lizard tail and tongue surgically removed


William Kate, baby lizard

The new Prince is said to be doing well after a 10-hour surgery to remove the lizard tail and tongue with which all members of the royal family are born.

“I am pleased to report that a ten-centimetre tail and a three-centimetre forked tongue were successfully removed from the Royal baby and that he can now once again pass as human,” said chief surgeon Simon Williams.

Dr Williams will have offered his life in penance for having seen a Royal baby in its true form, as tradition dictates.

This is now just a formality and William will have granted forgiveness and spared the doctor. The last surgeon required to actually sacrifice himself was Dr White in 1927.

The baby will now naturally slough off his scales and assume the largely human appearance that he will retain throughout his life.

The last member of the royal family to retain their lizard characteristics was Elizabeth 1, with her friend and adviser William Cecil recording that ‘fhe waf imenfly of beauty, defpite the fcales that covered her face.’

Since then, the interbreeding with humans has caused most lizard characteristics to fall away, and most of the Royal family are able to pass themselves off reasonably well as humans.

However, the tail and tongue still remain prominent in newborn Royals, and both need to be surgically removed in a formal ceremony, usually before being presented to the public.

It is understood that the child’s Great-Uncle, Andrew, has already offered to put the tongue and tail on eBay.

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