Thursday 20 August 2015 by Tim Brierly

Jeremy Clarkson criticises Amazon’s treatment of staff as ‘overly benevolent’


Jeremy Clarkson

New Amazon employee Jeremy Clarkson has said the treatment of those around him is ‘bordering on charity’, according to sources this morning.

Clarkson, who has committed to working on a show to rival Top Gear, was yesterday invited on a tour of Amazon’s warehouse where he immediately set about getting to know his new colleagues.

After an hour-long tour in which no-one was fired, no-one was racially abused and no physical harm came to any employees whatsoever, Clarkson was left wondering how they ever get anything done.

“Did you know that you can miss your target completely and still not get a punch in the face?” he told our source.

“It’s like a bloody hippy commune in there. What sort of accountability is there if you don’t get a physically assaulted for putting the wrong item in the box?”

After the tour Clarkson jumped on the back of worker Sue Williams, an Amazon veteran, and began making revving noises.

“With seating apparently designed by someone who normally makes torture chambers, and an engine that couldn’t generate enough power to tear a wet piece of paper, this one’s bound for the scrap heap,” he chuckled, before urging Sue to take him for another lap of the warehouse.

“Come on. Even Terry Wogan gets around the track quicker than this!” he laughed.

Clarkson has since retired to his Cotswolds home to draft a series of productivity recommendations for CEO Jeff Bezos, which include the use of chain gangs and electrified cattle prods.

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