Labour leadership election to be won with seven votes

author avatar by 9 years ago

The new Labour leader will be selected by the remaining fourteen people deemed ‘eligible to vote’ by the Labour party.

After a cull of potential voters so brutal it could have been written by George RR Martin, the fourteen remaining members allowed to vote have said they’re looking forward to deciding the party’s future.

“No, none of us will be voting for Jeremy Corbyn,” said Labour party member and eligible voter Tony Blair.

“It’s important that those of us still allowed to vote pick a leader who is true to the Labour party’s aims and values, which means voting for one of the other ones.”

“No, it doesn’t matter which one, obviously.”

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Many potential voters have been informed that their votes will not count due to the risk of them voting for a Labour candidate the Labour party doesn’t want.

Labour supporter Simon Williams told us, “I’ve voted Labour since I was 18, but I’m not allowed to vote in the leadership election because apparently wanting an opposition leader to actually oppose the government’s policies isn’t part of Labour’s core values.”

“I thought there was a clue in the name ‘opposition’ – clearly I was mistaken.”

When asked for a comment on why so many people have been told they can’t vote in the leadership election, a Labour party spokesperson told us, “Don’t misunderstand, we believe that all Labour voters are equal, it’s just that some are more equal than others.”