Monday 29 June 2015 by Lucas Wilde

Kanye West sentenced to death for crimes against Queen


Kanye West

Worst human being of all time and occasional musician, Kanye West, is to be executed next week after making a complete scrote of Queen’s unqualified rock classic, ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’.

Under the Treason Act of 1702, any person seen to be seeking to usurp a monarch will be disposed of by the state.

Technically, the Act only refers to actual queens and kings, rather than rock bands that happen to be named after the same position.

“We’re glossing over that bit” said a spokesperson for Her Mercury’s court, “there are some things you just don’t do, ever.”

“Covering ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ is one thing, but what kind of jumped-up, inflated little shart-captain tries to better Our Lord Freddie Mercury and then FORGETS THE FUCKING WORDS?”

“Everyone knows the words to that song. Literally everyone. Even people who have never HEARD the song can sing it the entire way through.”

“This represents a deliberate act of treason on the part of Kanye West, and so, for that reason and many, many others, he must die.”

Kanye West won absolutely nobody’s support by declaring himself “the world’s greatest living rock star” on a Glastonbury stage.

“Seriously, he wasn’t even the greatest living rock star at that festival” said music expert, Kim Walsh, “even bloody Hozier have greater rock star credentials than Kanye.”

“Maybe nobody told him that he was performing at the same festival as The Who?”

“Or maybe he just isn’t aware of any musicians other than himself. That might explain why he’s always referring to himself as the greatest; he simply has no other frame of reference.”

“But don’t worry about that last bit. Help me rig up this electric chair, would you?”

Taylor Swift has already volunteered to pull the power-lever, saying “Kanye, I’m gonna make sure you finish, because this is gonna be the greatest execution of all time.”

“P.S: Fish sticks.”

There are currently witterings below - why not add your own?

Previous post:

Next post: