Religious lunatics across the world are already claiming the devastating tsunami that struck Japan this morning has demonstrated God’s vengeance in claiming dozens of lives, or God’s grace in saving thousands more.
With 60 confirmed dead and the death toll expected to rise significantly, religious groups have wasted no time in praising their chosen deity for sparing/killing so many people.
Theology analyst Chris Walters told us, “What we have here is either a God being extremely cruel, or a God being extremely kind, depending on whether someone you know has died or not.”
“Think of it as standing in front of a man with a gun who kills the person stood next to you with his last bullet, you’d forever think of him as a kindly benevolent murderer, wouldn’t you?”
“This is a lot like that. Sure, some people might blame the tragedy on enormous seismic waves caused by a sudden energy release from between the tectonic plates of the earth’s ever-shifting crust, but I would suggest it’s much more likely the people of Japan did something to annoy God.”
Churches across the world are already giving thanks to God for killing only a few people so far, with others chastising Japan for doing something bad to cause it.
Reverend John Matthews of the Church of Latter Day Morons said, “God doesn’t believe in all this ‘written warning’ bullshit. If you annoy Him, then He’ll smite you. And no, I don’t know what Japan did, but I bet they do.”
“It’s important that at this time we pray for Japan, and pray to the deity who definitely caused all of this. It might seem a bit attention-seeking on His part, but we really do need to do as He says.”
Meanwhile, non-morons have decided not to waste their time praying, suggesting that everyone “tries to do something practical, like encourage those in power to send help, or give them financial support where possible.”
“Of course, you can pray if you want to, but you better decide up front whether He’s being good God or bad God. I imagine He doesn’t like it when you get that bit wrong.”