Arsenal to trade David Luiz for a packet of Haribo and three pogs

David Luiz is set to leave Arsenal, whether he wants to or not.

Following a performance against Manchester City that can be generously described as “shite”, the defender is going to be let go from Arsenal at the end of June.

“Not so much ‘let go’ as ‘firmly shoved out of the nearest fire escape’,” confirmed Arsenal spokesperson, Simon Williams.

“He essentially gave Manchester City the game last night before getting sent off after gifting them a penalty. I’m staggered to hear that nobody on the Man City side had any incriminating photos of him or was holding any members of his family hostage.

“With that in mind, we will accept a packet of Haribo and three pogs in exchange for David Luiz. We’ve already had interest from the Blandford Forum under 15s, but they’re driving a hard bargain…they’re offering half a packet of Polos and a photo of their lead scorer’s mum.

“The mum is a minger, but we’re still considering it.”