Boris Johnson begins emergency COBRA meeting by shrugging and saying “I’ve got Bupa”

At a COBRA meeting in London this morning, Boris Johnson has allayed fears surrounding Coronavirus by reassuring those present that he has private healthcare.

The emergency meeting, which was delayed for three days by Boris to allow him to announce Carrie’s pregnancy and distract everyone from the media storm surrounding Priti Patel, was ended by the Prime Minister after just ten minutes.

“It was most strange,” recalled one senior health official present.

“Boris staggered in five minutes late, reeking of booze, with unkempt hair and his shirt hanging out. We thought it was great that he’d made an effort and was obviously taking the situation seriously.

“But then he just goes “I’ve got BUPA, so that’s all that matters, right?” and then flopped down in a chair and stared vacantly out of the window. So the meeting ended.”

Addressing reporters outside Downing Street a few moments ago, the Prime Minister said, “I would like to ask the public not to panic, and to instead focus on the news that I’m going to be a father again, which I’m sure has brought joy to you all.

“As for the Coronavirus – well, at least it’s not Ebola.”

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