Nation collectively shrugs its shoulders as Piers Morgan finally comes out as a twat

In the wake of this morning’s admission by TV presenter, Philip Schofield, that he’s gay, fellow ITV media personality, Piers Morgan, has surprised no-one by announcing on air that he’s been an ‘insufferable twat’ for as long as he can remember.

A clearly emotional Morgan told co-presenter, Suzanna Reid, “I’ve kept it hidden for years – I think – that I’m an insufferable twat. I’ve fooled my wife, my friends, and the viewing public that I’m this cheery, happy-go-lucky fellow that everyone would like to share a pint with down the pub.

“I’ve been living a lie, and although I’ve been brilliant at hiding my true self I now feel the time is right to unburden myself publically.

“I realise this will come as a real shock to my friends, family and the public at large who have held me in such high esteem and fond regard down the years, but I just feel that the time is right to take this next step and finally stop trying to be so likeable.

“I just hope people will understand I was just born this way, and won’t start piling into my missus and the kids on Twitter.

“I’m sure there’ll be a few cruel jokes circulating, and I bet Gary Lineker and Greta Thunberg are laughing their socks off.”

Reid seemed somewhat taken aback by Morgan’s revelation, saying, “I wouldn’t worry too much, Piers. You’re only confirming what everybody has known for years.

“Perhaps you should come out as a delusional arsehole while you’re about it?”