by 
A Chelmsford man was left outraged yesterday as a pizza arrived topped off with what appeared to be a leafy salad.
“It’s literally the end of the world,” confirmed Simon Williams, sadly.
“A man can’t even order a pizza without some beardy, craft-ale addled ballsack with ideas above his station putting a load of green bullshit on top and thinking that’s alright.”
The pizza restaurant, which asked not to be named for fear of losing business, claimed that putting a form of salad known as ‘rocket’ on top of a pizza was not only acceptable, but was, in fact, desirable.
“Balls to that,” said Mr Williams.
“Absolutely balls to that. I defy you to find any culture on this or any other planet that thinks salad on top of a pizza is anything other than a crime against all that is good and decent.
“We went through this with bastards putting pineapple on pizzas. It’s not right, it’s never been right, and it should be stopped immediately.”
Mr Williams confirmed that he also didn’t particularly want a free-range egg on top of his pizza either.
“No I bloody don’t,” he raged.
“I’d rather eat my own arse.”
