“Me, me, me, me, me” – Boris Johnson’s dramatic conference speech in full

Boris Johnson has staged his most important intervention yet in the EU debate with his speech to the Conservative Party conference.

Addressing a semi-packed hall, the Tory leadership hopeful clearly laid out his plans if he happened – just happened, you understand, not that he seeks the position – to become Prime Minister.

“Me. Me, me me me me me me. Me,” he told delegates.

“Me me me me me me me, me me? Me! Me, me me me. Me me me me me me!” he added with a chuckle.

“Me, me me me; me me me me me. Me, me – me me me – me me me me me, me me me!” he concluded, to rapturous applause from those in the party that enjoy Boris’ brand of politics.

Conservative insiders are reported to be delighted by Johnson’s speech, describing it as easily his most honest yet.

“I think it fair to say you can believe every single word Boris said,” we were told,

“Which could well be a first for anyone on the stage at the Conservative Party Conference.

“He perfectly summarised his position in areas as varied as Brexit, drug policy, law and order and international relations so well that I don’t even know where to start.”

Backbench supporters of Boris Johnson are now confident that their man is finally breaking through to voters across the country, with fewer than 80% of people now thinking he’s a self-serving fat twat or ‘that white whale that was in the Thames the other week’.

Whatever this is, I didn’t vote for it – get the t-shirt!