Cat decides relationship with suburban family has reached the face-sitting stage

Simon, a neutered tabby from Brighton, has recently decided that there is no better wake-up call than rubbing his unwashed arsehole on the faces of the Williams family members who provide for him.

Speaking from his favourite spot by the kitchen window, the feline explained that he felt the Williams family had left him no choice but to up his game.

He told us, “They’re not a bad bunch, all things considered, but they have gotten a bit cocky of late.

“Both the elder and the young female constantly take pictures of me for their Facebook pages and the older male kicked me off the kitchen counter last Sunday. I was enjoying a lovely piece of oven fresh roast chicken and he just hurled me off!

“It brought me back to my traumatic youth when they would treat me like a stuffed toy and hold me against their faces.

“Back then I would occasionally scratch them or piss in their shoes. But now I think I’ve found a more civilized way to do things. I go out, take a shit in the woman’s herb garden and then go back in to choose who’s going to get a face full of cat anus as an instruction to feed me.

“I don’t really have a rota, it’s just spur of the moment. The older male has been getting it a lot recently but he’s trying to grow a beard. Leaves me clean as a whistle.”

All members of the Williams family were adamant Simon’s humiliating and unhygienic depredations were a sign of affection and unconvincingly joked about dogs having masters and cats having servants.

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