Using pre-prepared stir-fry ‘definitely proper cooking’ insists man
by Chris Ballard 8 years ago 
A man is claiming that sticking the various bits of a stir-fry meal deal into a wok constitutes actual cookery.
The fact that you didn’t prepare any of the ingredients is completely irrelevant to whether you can call this ‘cooking’, according to the ‘chef’ in question, Simon Williams.
“Of course it’s cooking,” insisted Williams.
“I took multiple ingredients – a pack of mixed vegetables, some noodles and a sachet of sauce – and put them together in a pan. With heat and everything.
“Then I stood there stirring it all up with a spoon like someone off of that Masterchef programme.
“The timing was also critical – if I didn’t cook for long enough then I wouldn’t have those lovely burnt, crunchy bits of noodle to scrape off the bottom of the pan.
“Look, you can say what you like, but it didn’t involve a microwave and wasn’t brought to me by a man on a bike. If that’s not cooking, I don’t think I know what cooking is.”
“Exactly – you bloody don’t!” said his wife Sarah.
“Despite what he says, a packet of ‘Chinese Sauce’ from the local supermarket is not an ‘ingredient’.
“Using a chef’s knife to puncture a packet of ready-chopped vegetables is not ‘preparation’.
“And whacking up the gas hob to full heat and then watching the footy ‘til the smoke alarm goes off is not ‘timing.’
“You might as well say that putting a frozen pizza in the oven is cooking.”
“Yes, that’s right!” said Simon. “We seem to be aggressively agreeing…”
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