Government to ban porn sites for under-18s following success of age-based alcohol and knife regulations

Prime Minister Theresa May is said to be in an ‘excited frenzy’ over plans to become the first country in the world to successfully ban the availability of pornography to people under the age of 18.

Speaking to a more eager than usual cabinet this morning, she said, “I am delighted to be able to announce that we will use all of our experience and know-how to make sure that the children of this country will have no access to inappropriate material. We have done it with alcohol, we have done it with knives and we have a firm grip on illegal drugs.

“Our track record is exemplary.”

Government minister Simon Williams explained how the system will work, “Basically, any deviant who wants to watch this type of filth will need to provide proof of ID on-line, which will be as effective as it has been in other areas.

“Obviously MPs will be exempt, so that we have a control group to monitor such a sticky issue.

“We will take our usual hard line and the public can be as confident in us as they always are – you never see an under 18 in a pub, never hear of one carrying a knife and never hear of anyone at all, whatever their age, using drugs.

“We have made this country what it is today.”

When asked whether a simple, inexpensive VPN wouldn’t simply by-pass the problem and allow users to appear that they are in another country, he replied, “Yep, those as well, there’ll be no panty lines, visible or otherwise, you just mark my words.”

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