Home Office hires Jim Davidson to teach Windrush deportees how to act Jamaican

Jim Davidson will form a key part of the repatriation strategy for Windrush deportees returning to the Caribbean.

In an effort to mend fences with BME people in the UK, the Home Office has set up a comprehensive plan to assist people faced with deportation to the Caribbean that includes leaflets on how to contact the Guardian and a DVD of the famous Essex comedian explaining when to call someone a ‘bombaclat’.

The director of the new task force, Simon Williams, explained to the press that Theresa May had personally intervened to create a special unit dedicated to rectifying the policies set up by an unknown Home Secretary 5-10 years ago.

“The PM has heard the outcry about the callous way people who have lived here for 50 years are faced with being expelled simply because of the manic anti-immigration obsession of whoever came before Amber Rudd.

“That is why we have been working round the clock to help them in their new life in Jamaica. And now we have spared no expense by recruiting Jim Davidson, whom many remember fondly for his tireless work promoting Afro-Caribbean culture in the 70s and 80s. ”

Asked if the Home Office was considering a blanket amnesty for those who have resided in the UK for several decades, Mr Williams explained that bureaucratic realities made such a move improbable.

He told us, “It looks easy on the surface but it would mean creating a system based on logic and basic humanity instead of mindless procedures designed to placate Daily Mail readers. Can’t be done, I’m afraid.

“But here’s a tip to avoid embarrassment in Kingston. Remember that when you’re done with the dutchie, always pass it on the left-hand side.”

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