DUP tells Theresa May that due to Brexit £1 billion doesn’t go far these days

The government has suffered its first defeat in the Commons yesterday when the DUP voted against the NHS pay cap and mentioned casually that Brexit inflation has given them little choice but to rethink their previous arrangement.

Several prominent Tories said that legally dubious deals with volatile fanatics whose political existence is based on 15th-century religious wars were always going to have teething problems.

However, speaking off the record, one Cabinet member admitted the defeat showed the government had little choice but provide any additional funds the DUP felt it deserved.

They told us, “It’s not the best of positions to be in, but it’s our only option. We can’t tell that bunch of semi-literate homophobes to sod off, as much as we would love to.

“Frankly, if Corbyn wasn’t busy restructuring Labour into a British Comintern, we’d be absolutely fucked.

“As it it we’ll have to move the DVLA and the Royal Mint to some Northern Ireland constituency full of humourless cardigan wearers with small eyes and large necks.”

Simon Williams, a DUP MP from Londonderry denied the vote was a political move

He said, “This was not a shakedown. We have always been against limiting the earnings of godless child-killers and sodomite enablers who place faith in the golden calf of science over the words of the one true Presbyterian God.”

Number 10 denied all requests for an interview, claiming that the Prime Minister was too busy working on the speech to the European Parliament that she would read in a Florentine hotel 500 miles away from Strasbourg.