‘Pregnant’ immigrant panda puts in early bid for Edinburgh council flat

Edinburgh Zoo has said there are ‘strong indications’ that its pregnant giant panda has already asked the local council for a flat.

Tian Tian’s hormone and protein levels suggest she has almost certainly ‘put it about a bit’ in a bid to escape the rigid confines of her zoo enclosure.

Meanwhile, the expectant mother has made a formal request for a two-bedroomed maisonette and has been placed on the city’s housing waiting list.

The zoo gave up on its artificial insemination program last April after it emerged that Tian Tian had already had three abortions, paid for by boyfriend panda ‘Mikey’.

The latest pregnancy, however, has yet to be officially confirmed by scan after Tian Tian informed a team of doctors they should ‘fuck off ya wee c**ts ya nae lookin’ at mah belly’.

The welcome news has surprised medics and onlookers alike given Tian Tian’s massive crack habit, a result of being fed by local school children.

Panda expert Hamish Dalglish said, “We don’t really need a scan to confirm this. All the signs are good. She has become moody, regularly attacks her partner and has shunned bamboo shoots in favour of Bacon & Egg McMuffins.”

In view of her endangered status, Tian Tian is likely to jump the housing queue and be allocated a flat of her own in the Muirhouse area as early as September.

Giving the thumbs up sign to our reporter, Tian Tian said, “Job’s a good ‘un’.”

City resident Simon McWilliams said, “We see a lot of this. Pandas coming over here from the east, getting themselves up the duff, and being housed ahead of local people. That’s why I’m voting UKIP.

“That, and because I’m a fucking idiot.”

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