OPEC finalise deal to say they’re cutting oil production whilst pumping like their life depends on it

OPEC have reached a historic deal to say they’ll cut the production of oil while in reality doing absolutely nothing, they have announced today.

The members of the Organisation of Petroleum Exporting Countries reached the deal after days of round-the-clock talks before a breakthrough in the early hours of this morning, when Kuwait agreed to reduce the number of meetings by almost half.

The reduction in the number of meetings will be accompanied by a set increase in the number of statements saying that oil production will fall in an attempt to push the price up.

Any nation which fails to meet its commitment to cutting production will be allowed to make up the difference by making up the difference.

“The global price of oil is too low, and so we’re going to pursue a policy of talking about cutting production to drive prices up while pumping as much as possible”, said OPEC spokesman Saudi Prince Simon al-Williams.

“We’ve all agreed to say we’ll cut production by, oooh, umpty-million barrels a day to spike the price and buy a new yacht on the proceeds,” he confirmed to reporters.

“I quite like the idea of a gold one filled with Russian call-girls myself, but other nations may pursue other policies including new private jets or just a great big swimming pool full of money.”

Non-members of OPEC have cautiously welcomed the deal, saying that anything which pushes the price up while allowing them to pump the damn stuff until it comes out of their ears as they’re pretty much bankrupt with the price this low, is extremely welcome.

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