Wednesday 30 November 2016 by Spacey

Gareth Southgate appointed England’s new turd polisher

Gareth Southgate England manager

The Football Association has appointed Gareth Southgate as England’s chief turd polisher on a four-year contract.

The decision has not been unanimously welcomed by England fans who have convinced themselves that the national team are world-beaters despite them being a bit shit when it matters most.

England fan Simon Williams told us, “England should be winning the World Cup, the Euros, the Premier League and X Factor, and I just don’t see how that can happen when Southgate is responsible for the polishing.

“Our turds deserve to be the champions of all the things. All of them.”

Williams went on to explain that Southgate doesn’t have much to follow.

“Sam Allardyce didn’t so much polish the England turd, as much as smear it across his chest and into the faces of the fans.

“But Gareth’s CV basically shows him spending four years in charge at a club where he was responsible for polishing a number of expensive turds, and successfully took them down into the Championship.

“On the bright side, at least England can’t get relegated.”

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