Trident given Grade II listed status

Britain’s nuclear deterrent has been saved for the nation after being declared a Grade II listed monument.

The venerable nuclear arsenal had been in danger of being allowed to fall into dilapidation, and this measure means it must be kept ‘as new and in use’ by the owners.

Grade II listing means that the deterrent and its infrastructure now share the same status as Battersea Power Station and Manchester Town Hall, and may not be demolished or altered without special permission.

Failure to maintain the asset could result in prosecution for those involved.

“That settles it, we’re going to have to renew it now or face a statutory penalty and unlimited fines. There’s nothing else we can do,” thermonuclear archaeologist Simon Williams told us.

“Trident is a valuable part of the history and fabric of the nation and this welcome preservation order means it will be enjoyed by generations to come.

“All those Nimby’s with no sense of history can get bent now. It’s staying.”

Trident’s owners have now applied for government funding to sensitively restore the warheads to modern requirements whilst ensuring their essential ‘kaboominess’ remains in place.