Ross Kemp to return to EastEnders as shaved, gurning chimp

Albert Square is braced for the return of a pile of crudely sculpted luncheon meat, in the form of jobbing actor Ross Kemp.

Starring alongside real-life descendant Phil Mitchell (48), Ross Kemp (no-one cares) will play his pet chimp, which has been shaved to make it easier to get his liver out.

“This is a role that will stretch me”, claimed Kemp.

“Particularly the scene where I don’t go red and throw my shit around.”

“And of course the one where they stretch me, to try and keep my internal organs nice and tender.”

It hasn’t been easy for Kemp: the constant demands on an actor can eventually take their toll. Even if by now, no-one is expecting very much.

“We had to reshoot the scene where I was under general anaesthetic some thirty-seven times”, said the man who plays Grunt Mitchell. “Because I kept forgetting to stop shouting.”

The kempanzee will also be used for spares to keep Peggy Mitchell running during her final outing. If the situation becomes too serious, he could even stand in for Barbara Windsor.

“I’ve practiced having a blonde banana skin on my head, and undergoing emergency breast implants”, said the ‘actor’.

“And of course, I’ve already spent quite a bit of time pretending to be friends with the criminal underworld.”

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