Rich people urged to carry Tory Donor cards

People who give money to the Conservatives are being urged to carry Tory Donor cards so they can be denied urgent medical treatment in an emergency.

The call comes from ambulance crews and senior medics who feel under increasing pressure to deny essential care to utter bastards.

Ambulance driver Simon Williams said, “Often when we turn up at the scene of an accident we have no idea of a person’s political allegiance.”

“All we’re asking for is a simple blue card four inches square that tells us all we need to know about the person we are attempting to resuscitate.”

“Stuff like next of kin, how much money they have donated and the period of time over which they have donated it.”

Williams’s remarks coincide with a four-hour strike by midwives during which women in labour were forced to bite through their own umbilical cords.

He added, “Normally we’ll contact the relatives to confirm whether the individual who’s lying bleeding on the tarmac is a colossal bell-end who should be starved of oxygen.”

“As always, it’s the relatives who make that call.”

Despite knocking out fifty thousand cards using a printer and some laminate, surgeon Peter Schofield admits take up for the scheme has been slow.

“Organ shortages are one of the reasons my job is really exciting. You never know when one is going to come in.”

“This scheme would allow us to harvest organs from conservatives who are really not that ill.”

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