South Yorkshire Police coroner claims Richard III bones show ‘victim was drunk’

A South Yorkshire police coroner investigating bones believed to belong to King Richard III has insisted they show ‘clear evidence’ he was intoxicated by alcohol.

The corpse, found in a car park in a busy town centre, also showed signs of ‘probably having nicked stuff from nearby corpses’, according to the official report.

Richard had been a constant thorn in the side of the police, having set up the ‘Court of Requests’ in 1483 to provide legal aid to those in need, even scousers.

Translating laws into English had won him few friends in authority, and many in Westminster had little time for a man so openly northern.

Not everyone believes the victim died after drinking ‘strong cooking lager’, as recorded in the same handwriting in dozens of police notebooks.

Richard III inquiry

Jezz Baker thinks there’s a deliberate cover-up. “The coroner’s claim that Richard abducted two minors and ‘took them up the tower’ is scurrilous, and intended to slur his good name”, he insisted.

Baker claims Richard was in the area for a traditional ‘game of thrones’, and not to ‘punch a bouncer in the neck’, as suggested by the report.

The witness also thinks key evidence was deliberately overlooked, or distorted to protect certain historic noblemen.

“Richard had chronic back pain and walked with a limp”, explained Baker, “but the coroner reckons he was prancing about on some big horse.”

“The CCTV footage clearly shows that he could barely walk upright, but this so-called doctor says that’s proof he had a ‘massive chip on his shoulder’.”

“This is a smokescreen, to hide the fact policing at the battle of Bosworth was completely inadequate. Did they learn nothing from the Hastings report?”

Police authorities have defended their investigation into the death, claiming the car park is ‘an accident blackspot’ for alcoholic homosexuals and slandered monarchs alike.

David Cameron meanwhile has apologised for the incident, and promised a public inquiry into how the coroner acquired ‘tracts of lande from Wales to Northumberland and ye marshes’.