‘Delay applying for courses until we’ve seen your parents’ income’ urges UCAS

UCAS, the organisation that tells students where they can spend their money, is demanding a shake-up to the application process to favour hopeful youngsters that are genuinely financially gifted, insisting students should only apply after they’ve supplied proof of their parents’ earnings.

“Grades are important, sure. But not as important as 6 months of bank statements from your mum or dad”, explained Will Higgins, a UCAS spokesman.

“If a student goes bankrupt before they’ve reached the end of the second term, universities could lose up to £9k a year.”

“That takes away opportunities from students who might have just about afforded to stay to the end. It’s the sort of mistake nobody profits from. Not in the long term, anyway.”

Higgins is disappointed by the quality of applicants in recent years. “Academically they’re fine, most pupils come to us with at least four A-levels at grade AA+:-)*** or above. But there’s a real shortage of Triple-A credit ratings.”

“A three-year course is a major commitment, Universities need to know you’re capable of handing in good quality money in a timely manner. They don’t want to hear a string of excuses about council tax, TV licence fines or malnutrition.”

University application shake-up

Higgins is confident that the system will still be able to cater for students of all financial abilities.

“A lot of the smaller universities are taking pupils who have performed so badly in their exams, they only have a handful of A grades”, he explained.

“But that doesn’t mean no-one’s interested in their money.”

“By being efficient, smaller colleges can still offer to take on less financially-able undergraduates, and commit them to a similarly crippling debt.”

“Scrapping lectures for the second and third years of their courses might seem a bit ruthless, but no-one can afford to make it through the first year anyway.”