Jeremy Kyle viewing figures to pass two million

Government figures released yesterday showed that for the first time, the number of people watching The Jeremy Kyle Show topped two million.

During the three months to January, the number of people watching The Jeremy Kyle Show totalled 2.03 million, up by 165,000, said the Office for National Statistics (ONS).

The figures have been used to highlight the fact that although the country is crumbling down around our ears, there are some areas of society that are thriving.

Tremendous

“This is great news,” said a Jeremy Kyle spokesperson.

“Our show offers brief respite for those out of work by showing just how much better their lives are than those of our guests.”

“And the country needs us now more than ever.”

“Fortunately, we have a near endless supply of freaks, tarts, twats, and bastards for you to feast yours eyes and ears on.”

Getting worse

Many economists are predicting that as the recession worsens, the Jeremy Kyle viewing figures may top three million by next year.

“We have ambitious growth targets,” continued the show spokesman.

“We admit our mistake in missing out on the Fritzls and Matthews’, but rest assured, we have some top quality viewing lined up for everyone.”

“And if you happen to be a morbildy obese, unemployed, technically retarded, drug-taking, ex-prisoner who enjoys incest, get in touch.  We can help.”

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