Government urges Britons to stockpile emergency supplies after gesturing vaguely at *everything*
by Rich Smith 2 months ago 
The government has urged Britons to keep a small stockpile of emergency supplies at home, and after officials were asked what particular crisis people should be preparing for, they responded by gesturing vaguely at *everything*.
Households are being encouraged to keep essentials including bottled water, non-perishable food, torches, batteries, medication and a battery-powered radio in case normal services are disrupted by some sort of emergency.
Asked precisely what sort of emergency ministers were anticipating, a government spokesperson looked briefly out of the window before replying, “Have you not been paying attention?”
They went on, “We’re not saying there’s going to be a war, another pandemic, a massive cyberattack, catastrophic flooding, prolonged power cuts, water shortages or some entirely new form of disaster nobody had heard of until Thursday.
“We’re just saying that if any of those happened tomorrow, would you honestly be that surprised?
“Exactly. Buy some beans.”
Surrey resident Simon Williams said he had already begun assembling his emergency supplies.
“I’ve got bottled water, tinned food, batteries, candles, a first-aid kit and £300 in cash,” he explained.
“I’ve also put a bottle of whisky in there because there is absolutely no fucking way I’m listening to the emergency broadcast sober.
“I asked my wife what she thought we were preparing for and she just opened the BBC News app and handed me another shopping bag.”
Officials have stressed that the advice is merely a sensible precaution and should not be interpreted as evidence that the government has received intelligence about a specific imminent threat.
Asked if people should therefore remain calm, the spokesperson said, “Absolutely. There is no reason whatsoever to panic.
“Just make sure you have enough food and water to survive for several days without electricity, communications or functioning infrastructure.
“Calmly.”
Pressed once more on whether the government knew something the public didn’t, they insisted, “No. We know exactly the same things you do.
“That’s why we’re doing this.”
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