Nigel Farage spotted catching stray Tories with a giant net

Reform UK leader Nigel Farage has been seen catching stray Tories with a giant net following the Conservative Party’s latest shadow cabinet reshuffle. 

Sir Mel Stride and Dame Priti Patel were replaced in Kemi Badenoch’s shadow cabinet on Sunday, leaving Nigel Farage to pounce on them with a giant net.

“I’ve got one!” said Nigel Farage, dressed like a Victorian-era big-game hunter.

“This will be a wonderful addiction to my collection of Tories. I’d already caught Priti earlier this morning, but Mel was proving much more difficult to poach. Luckily, I’m already quite the huntsman when it comes to capturing disgruntled Conservatives. I always get them in the end.

“The trick is to wait outside the House of Parliament with a comically-sized giant net. Or failing that, placing a lucrative PPE contract in a snare often works quite well. Sometimes you have to be a little bit more creative, though. With Robert Jenrick I had to paint a mural full of Disney characters for children in detention centres. As soon as he came to paint over it, that’s when I shot him with the poisoned dart.

“I’ve collected well over a hundred Tories now. I know a lot of the news outlets like to call them ‘defections’, but technically they’re being hunted.

“Shhhhh! There goes another one. I’ve always wanted to catch myself a Tugendhat.”

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