Nigel Farage’s Christian values confirmed as ‘whatever Jesus would do if Jesus absolutely despised immigrants’

Nigel Farage’s Christian values have been confirmed as “whatever Jesus would do if Jesus absolutely despised immigrants”, after former Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams questioned the Reform leader’s commitment to Christianity.

Williams accused Farage of using Britain’s Christian identity to channel anti-Muslim sentiment, prompting Reform supporters to insist there is nothing remotely un-Christian about spending most of your waking hours finding new and inventive ways to make foreigners feel unwelcome.

Reform supporter Simon Williams told us, “Nigel is a deeply committed Christian who passionately believes in following the teachings of Jesus Christ, just with a few sensible amendments to reflect modern Britain.

“For example, Jesus famously told us to love thy neighbour, and Nigel absolutely believes that, assuming thy neighbour was born here and hasn’t recently arrived on a small boat.

“Likewise, the Good Samaritan is obviously a wonderful story about helping strangers in need, although these days we’d probably recommend contacting Border Force rather than putting them up for the night.

“It’s about applying Christian teachings in a practical way.”

Williams went on to explain that feeding the five thousand would probably be prohibitively expensive in the current economic climate, particularly without first establishing the immigration status of all five thousand.

He continued, “People like Rowan Williams are obsessed with tiny details of Christianity, such as what Jesus actually said and what Jesus actually did.

“But Christianity is about much more than the teachings of Christ. It’s about British values, Union Jacks, complaining about Muslims celebrating their religion in public and occasionally mentioning Jesus around Easter.

“Nigel is extremely devout about all of those things.”

Farage has previously described the Christian values upon which Britain is built as something to be proud of, while criticising an iftar gathering in Trafalgar Square as an attempt to “overtake, intimidate and dominate our way of life”.

Williams added, “Obviously Jesus himself would be very welcome in Nigel’s Britain.

“Assuming he arrived through a legal route, could demonstrate sufficient earnings, and didn’t turn up with twelve unemployed Middle Eastern men.”