Donald Trump places 2000% tariff on Belgian chocolates

Donald Trump has announced plans to place a 2000% tariff on Belgian chocolates after Belgium knocked the United States out of the World Cup, in what the White House insists is “definitely trade policy and not a man having a tantrum because foreigners laughed at him”.

Belgium beat the USA 4-1 in their knockout tie, with players celebrating the fourth goal by performing Trump’s famous dance, in what most observers assumed was a fairly obvious act of mockery.

However, within minutes of full-time, Trump declared Belgium “a very unfair chocolate nation” and promised immediate economic retaliation.

“Belgium has been taking advantage of America for years with their chocolates, their waffles, and their very nasty footballers,” Trump told reporters.

“People say Belgian chocolate is good. I don’t know. I’ve had better. Tremendous American chocolate. The best chocolate. Much stronger chocolate. Our chocolate doesn’t fall over every time someone touches it, unlike Belgium.”

The new tariff will see a $12 box of Belgian truffles rise to approximately $252, though administration officials stressed that this would only affect ordinary consumers and “therefore doesn’t count as a tax”.

Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick defended the move, explaining, “This is about protecting American jobs from the unfair importation of smug little pralines manufactured in countries that celebrate goals sarcastically.

“Today it’s a chocolate. Tomorrow it’s a hazelnut ganache performing a disrespectful YMCA in front of the President.”

Belgian officials responded by saying they were “disappointed but not surprised”, before confirming they had already begun preparing a retaliatory tax on all American cheese slices, novelty red hats, and people who insist football is called soccer.

Trump later insisted the tariff had already worked, despite it not yet existing, claiming several Belgian chocolatiers had personally called him to apologise.

“They were crying,” he said. “Big strong chocolatiers, covered in cocoa, saying ‘Sir, please make us stop dancing like you.’”