Keir Starmer to become a toolmaker

Keir Starmer has resigned as Prime Minister and Labour leader to fulfil his lifelong dream of becoming a toolmaker.

Starmer announced his resignation this morning, with the Prime Minister now embarking on a four-year apprenticeship in toolmaking at his local college. 

“I’m not sure I mentioned it before, but my dad was actually a toolmaker,” said Keir Starmer, announcing his plans to the press gathered outside Downing Street. 

“Toolmaking is my passion, and that’s why I’m stepping down, not because everybody wants to replace me with Andy Burnham. That has nothing to do with this. Being a toolmaker was always the endgame. Prime Minister was just a stopgap until I achieved my ultimate dream.

“You probably think all the times I mentioned my dad being a toolmaker was to try and gain favour with the working class voters. The reality is toolmaking is in my blood. I’m really looking forward to my apprenticeship. The £2.50 an hour is actually great wages when you think about it. It’s much better money than I was getting as Prime Minister.

“Luckily, I already know loads about toolmaking. You make hammers and screwdrivers and all that stuff, right? Oh, is that not what it means? Bollocks. Maybe I should’ve stayed on as Prime Minister a bit longer. 

“I wonder if Andy will give me a job in the cabinet?”

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