Enhanced Games cheese rolling overshadows traditional British event

Despite facing wide criticism from sports purists, or as the Enhanced Games organisers like to call them, ‘pussies’, the Enhanced Games took place this weekend in Las Vegas.

Similar to the Olympics, the Enhanced Games features a wide variety of events, however, unlike the Olympics, competing athletes are allowed to take performance enhancing drugs.

Consequently, those hoping for novelty were left disappointed, when the line-up for the cycling events was exactly the same as the regular season.

Hoping to attract an international audience, the games included a series of traditional events from around the world, including Britain’s own cheese rolling. A sport that brings together people who lack the evolutionary urge not to break their neck, and gets them to chase a wheel of cheese as it rolls down a very steep hill.

Winner of the Enhanced Games cheese rolling event this year, was Max Moggington, who some have accused of going beyond simple doping into genetic engineering.

With claims being made that the athlete’s DNA has been sliced with that of a slinky and a rat. This was heavily disputed by Mr Moggington’s team, who claim his rodent like features were actually achieved by heavy bone smashing.

Organisers hailed the Enhanced Cheese Rolling as one of the weekend’s great successes, after several competitors managed to reach speeds previously thought impossible without either advanced pharmaceuticals or being fired from medieval siege equipment.

Plans are already underway for next year’s event, with rumours that the Enhanced Games committee is keen to introduce other traditional British sports, including ‘trying to fight a swan’, ‘falling through a pub beer garden chair’, and ‘heart attack after climbing three stairs during a heatwave’.