‘Trump demands NATO Allies deploy Hantavirus Cruise Ship to Strait of Hormuz’

An irate Donald Trump has demanded that America’s NATO allies deploy a cruise ship currently experiencing a hantavirus outbreak to the Strait of Hormuz as the president grows increasingly desperate to break the ongoing stalemate with Iran.

“We pay for NATO, okay? Tremendous amounts of money, nobody talks about it,” Trump told reporters. “Meanwhile they’ve got a perfectly good infected cruise ship just sitting there. Europe has to start contributing. You can’t always rely on America to finish the wars started by America.”

The proposal was praised as “a brilliant example of asymmetric warfare” by Donald Trump Jr., Eric Trump, JD Vance, Pete Hegseth, Marco Rubio, and several other snivelling cowards unwilling to publicly acknowledge how insane the idea sounds.

Some military experts, however, warned that sending an infected cruise ship through Hormuz could escalate the conflict into “a Tom Clancy novel written during a fever dream.”

Those same experts noted that cruise ships are traditionally used for activities such as shuffleboard, buffet consumption, and witnessing a middle-aged couple from Germany scream at each other near a soft-serve machine, rather than high-stakes naval deterrence in one of the world’s most strategically volatile waterways.

When pressed for details on how the cruise ship might be utilised, Trump stated: “They block the strait, we unblock their bowels” Trump told reporters. “Simple. Effective. Beautiful. That’s why all the military people love me.”

In response to Trump’s ultimatum, a somewhat baffled NATO spokesperson clarified that the alliance “does not currently maintain a doctrine concerning weaponised retirees.”

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