Boyfriend begins planning spectacularly mediocre Valentine’s Day

A man is lining up a quite astonishing lack of imagination for his beloved this Saturday.

Simon Williams, 29, has come up with some plans straight out of the Boring Bastard’s Playbook for Lads in order to give his girlfriend, Elizabeth King, 27, the kind of day she will easily forget.

“I’m going to wake her up with toast in bed and one of those two-quid Roses in a plastic vial,” beamed Williams, as if he were the first to come up with that one.

“Then I’m going to have a balloon in a box delivered to the house that says “I love you” on it, along with a greeting card that says ‘Dear Elizabeth, I love you, from Simon,’ just like Shakespeare would have done.

“Then in the evening I’m taking her to whichever atypically expensive restaurant is running a voucher deal that day, so I can spend the same amount as I would at a Nando’s, but give the illusion that I’ve really gone to town.

“I’m also going to wear a shirt. With buttons.

“Then back home for up to 38 seconds of massage, followed by up to six minutes of sexual activity depending on the middle-of-the-list wine’s impact on my ability to ejaculate.

“She’s a lucky lady.”

Elizabeth King said, “I’m not, and I plan to be sick tomorrow.”