‘Innocent people don’t take guns to a protest’, insists man who spent three years insisting Kyle Rittenhouse did nothing wrong

A man who has dedicated an impressive chunk of his adult life to explaining why Kyle Rittenhouse was “basically Batman, legally speaking” has today confirmed that, actually, taking a legally-held gun to any form of protest is a clear sign you’re guilty of whatever happens next.

The man, wearing a “Don’t Tread On Me” hoodie he absolutely bought last week, explained that Alex Pretti was “obviously asking for trouble” by attending a protest while legally carrying a firearm; a position he insists is completely different from Kyle Rittenhouse travelling across state lines with an assault rifle to insert himself into civil unrest “for community vibes”.

“Look, it’s simple,” he said. “When my guy does it, it’s his exerting his god given second-amendment right to self-defence. When their guy does it, it’s suspicious behaviour that justifies anything up to and including execution by the state.”

Pressed on the minor detail that Pretti did not brandish his weapon at any point, threaten anyone, or shoot anybody, the man clarified that “breathing while armed in the presence of federal agents” is now considered an “aggressive act”.

The same commentators who once argued that the Second Amendment exists so citizens can resist government tyranny have also clarified that it definitely does not apply when the government is doing the shooting, and especially not when it’s doing so to someone the movement hasn’t pre-approved.

“Obviously the Second Amendment is about freedom,” said another supporter, “but not the freedom to make the government look bad, or to question why armed federal agents are shooting citizens in the street.

“I would support changing the Second Amendment to say the right to bear arms shall not be infringed… unless the citizen is doing something annoying to the regime. That should clear it up.”

Observers noted that MAGA figures have shown their ability to seamlessly pivot from “the government is the enemy” to “the government is always right” in record time, provided the government is wearing the correct coloured tie and promises to only hurt the right people.

At press time, the MAGA movement was still insisting it is deeply opposed to fascism, while loudly applauding a state that kills citizens first and lies about its reasons later.

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