Boring man terrified by slightly less boring man

The boring man living at 10 Downing Street is terrified of being replaced by a slightly less boring man, it’s been revealed.

Keir Starmer and Labour’s NEC blocked Andy Burnham from standing in the upcoming Gorton and Denton by-election, after worrying that Burnham’s slightly less boring personality will be enough to replace Starmer as Prime Minister.

“I just can’t compete with Burnham’s larger than life personality,” said Starmer, selecting which shade of beige to paint the Downing Street walls. 

“It doesn’t matter how good or bad of a job you’re doing, ultimately the people will vote for you based on how boring, or not boring, you are. I mean, come on. Andy Burnham puts jam on his toast. I can’t cope with that level of free spirit. I’m a butter-only man, and that’s just that.

“Also, whenever he talks about football, people actually believe he likes it. How many Arsenal games do I have to attend until they believe I genuinely sort of don’t mind watching it?

“Obviously I always have Radio 4 playing in my wireless headphones to keep me entertained, but I honestly sometimes occasionally enjoy what’s happening in the game.

“Oh, well. It’s too late for Andy now anyway. He’s been defeated.

“I hope this serves as a warning to all the other middle-aged white blokes with glasses hoping to challenge the mighty Sir Keir in the future.”

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