Tories become one-woman party after Kemi Badenoch purges everyone thinking about defecting

Kemi Badenoch is now the sole member of the Conservative party, after getting rid of everyone who has so much as thought about joining Reform.

Following the purge, Mrs Badenoch was swift to defend her actions, telling reporters “This way is for the best. If one more MP had left for Reform, then we’d officially have more defects than a 1980s Skoda.”

The purge was sparked by the discovery of Robert Jenrick’s plans to join Reform; a discovery made after Mr Jenrick left his to-do list out for all to see.

As proof of his treachery, Kemi Badenoch shared the list with the media:

To do:

• Hassle people trying to get the train
• Clean dog whistle
• Flee sinking ship
• Swim to passing garbage barge
• Hassle people at car boot sale
• Buy large scarf as I still can’t wind my neck in
• Post videos of me hassling people to X
• Hope no one makes AI porn of me

Following Jenrick’s immediate dismissal, Badenoch announced further significant changes to the Tory party.

Claiming that she’d been “really inspired” by the success of ‘Your Party’ and “how effective they’ve been,” she announced the Conservatives would now be called ‘My Party’.

Asked how she would be able to handle the extra workload that would come with being every member of the shadow cabinet, she told reporters, “Honestly, it’s not that difficult. You just wait for Labour to announce a terrible policy that no one wants. You tell people it’s a bad idea. Wait a few months for the government to U-turn, then tell people, ‘See, I told you it was a bad idea’.

“Anyone could do it.”

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