Nobel Committee announces new “Golden Boot” Prize
by Rich Smith 11 months ago 
The Nobel Committee has announced the launch of a brand-new award, the Nobel Golden Boot, after concluding that if FIFA is now handing out peace prizes, then absolutely nothing means anything anymore, and everyone may as well give prizes to anyone they like.
Traditionally awarded for things like ending wars, curing diseases, or fundamentally improving life for everyone on Earth, the Nobel Committee admitted it had grown tired of being “boxed in” by awards that only recognised achievement, credibility, and contributions to human society.
“We noticed FIFA drifting aggressively into global peace,” said a spokesperson. “So we thought, fine. We’ll drift into football. Or at least into football-related awards.”
Unlike the footballing Golden Boot, typically awarded to the top goalscorer at the FIFA World Cup, the Nobel version will be handed out annually to “whoever we feel like at the time,” regardless of whether they have ever kicked a ball, seen a pitch, or know what the offside rule is.
Early frontrunners reportedly include a former reality TV star who once kicked a ball “quite hard” in a charity match, a League Two forward who hasn’t scored in two years, and Lionel Messi, for no reason other than the Nobel committee would like to meet him.”
The committee stressed that merit will no longer be a factor.
“If FIFA taught us anything, it’s that the key is confidence and spectacle,” the spokesperson added. “If you give it to someone important enough, people assume they deserve it.”
Insiders say the first Golden Boot will be solid gold, entirely symbolic, and ceremonially placed on a velvet cushion before being immediately ignored by everyone involved in the professional game.
Critics have accused the Nobel Committee of undermining a half-century-old tradition, to which officials responded by pointing directly at FIFA and laughing for several uninterrupted minutes.
Plans are already underway for additional prizes including “Best Midfield Chemistry,” “Outstanding Striker who likes Literature,” and “Lifetime Achievement in Assists.”
When asked whether this cheapens the Nobel legacy, the committee replied, “I assume you asked FIFA if they cheapened their legacy first?”
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