Rapture-free morons still here

Everyone is coming to terms with the fact that there are still thousands and thousands of morons walking amongst us, after they weren’t magically spirited into Heaven just because an old lunatic assured them they would be.

The ‘rapture’ – as the Church’s PR team called it – was due to begin yesterday, but instead thousands of previously smug Christians have been left with no choice but to go cap in hand to ask for their old jobs back.

South African pastor Joshua Mhlakela has not been seen since the 21st, leading to suggestions that he is hiding in a shed somewhere hoping to convince at least a few morons that he was the only person deemed worthy of being ‘raptured’.

Rapture enthusiast Simon Williams told us, “I was all set. I’d quit my job, sold the house, given lots of money to that guy who said the rapture was coming – but I’m still here? I don’t understand it.

“What mysterious set of circumstances could have possibly occurred to have left me here on earth when I should have been ‘raptured’ just before Bake Off last night?”

Critics of the rapture movement have suggested that those behind it might actually be a bona-fide criminal geniuses.

Non moron Derek Matthews told us, “Think about it, they have got thousands and thousands of people to believe they were going to Heaven this week – but not until they’d paid for the privilege, or given away their worldly possessions. That’s really quite impressive, no?”

“If they’d told them they’d be raptured by walking off a cliff, that would have been a much tidier end to it all.  As it is, we’re now left waiting for the hilarious explanation that is bound to be offered in the coming days. Along with ‘the great rescheduling’.”

“I’m offering 5-1 on that it’ll be deemed a ‘test of faith’.  That’s pretty much the stock answer when these ridiculous predictions don’t come true.

“And also 10,000-1 against that they all come out and admit they were completely taken in by elaborate tales of a telepathic magic man in the sky who grants wishes, but that they’re all completely over it now.”

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