MP nobody has heard of leaves party nobody cares about for party nobody likes

Westminster was today rocked to its very core after Danny Kruger, a man previously only known to his family WhatsApp group, dramatically defected from the Conservatives to Reform UK.

Kruger, who until this morning was entirely unknown by 99.9999% of the voting public, announced his move at a press conference beside Reform leader Nigel Farage, the only person alive who can make an MP nobody has ever heard of look like a big deadline day signing.

“This is a historic moment,” Kruger told assembled journalists, at least two of whom were later seen Googling “Danny Kruger, not the horror movie one?” to work out who he was.

“The Conservatives are over,” he declared, apparently under the impression that the rest of us hadn’t already noticed that fact a full year ago.

“Reform is the future!” he added, before being gently reminded that Reform has the same chance of becoming the next government as Liz Truss has of becoming the next Nobel Prize-winning economist.

Political commentators described the move as “seismic,” in much the same way that a passing bus is seismic if you happen to be standing on a loose paving slab.

One Tory backbencher said, “Look, losing Danny Kruger is a bit like losing your spare wheel. You didn’t know you had it, you weren’t sure what it did, and frankly, you’re a bit relieved to have the extra boot space.”

Farage, meanwhile, hailed Kruger’s arrival as proof that Reform was “building momentum,” before immediately having to clarify that he meant in a strictly metaphorical sense, given the party still has fewer MPs than Sinn Féin and less than 10% of the number of seats held by the Lid Dems.

Voters across the country responded to the news with the same level of interest they usually reserve for regional cheese festivals.

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