Keir Starmer to play spin the bottle to decide next week’s sacking

Keir Starmer has announced he will hold a game of spin the bottle in the Cabinet Room to decide who will be sacked next week.

Following the recent departures of Lord Mandelson and Angela Rayner, the government’s current attrition rate stands at one per week since the end of summer recess, which Keir Starmer is hoping to keep up in the fairest way possible.

“This is the most impartial method I could think of,” said Keir Starmer, clutching an empty wine bottle.

“Obviously I didn’t have the cojones to let Peter or Angela go straight away, but this new game will absolve me of all that anxiety.

“There can be no arguments. Whoever the bottle selects shall leave government and that’s final. It’s a great way to keep our once-a-week record going. 

“It feels like a massive weight has been lifted off my shoulders, to be completely honest with you. This way I don’t actually have to make a decision. The bottle is the Prime Minister.

“Who knows? Maybe the public will vote for Mr Wine Bottle to be Prime Minister at the next election. It doesn’t seem the worst idea out of all the current candidates. 

“Fingers crossed the bottle points at me. I’m so sick of doing this job.”

Advertisement

WANT TO GET RIDOF ALL THE ADS?

Support topical satire for the price of one coffee month!

SUBSCRIBE HERE →