Man who thinks painting a flag on a roundabout improves the look of the neighbourhood not that keen on a spot of litter-picking
by Rich Smith 1 year ago 
A man who believes daubing a St George’s Cross onto every available roundabout improves the look of the neighbourhood, has steadfastly refused to bend down and pick up a single crisp packet.
Local hero of nationalism, Derek ‘Union Jack’ Williams, insists that covering traffic islands in sticky red paint is “what this country needs right now,” while visibly recoiling at the sight of someone voluntarily collecting rubbish in a hi-vis vest.
“I’m proud to do my bit,” said Williams, whose definition of “bit” appears to involve an entire Saturday spent painting over council property and hanging flags halfway up lamposts.
“It makes the place look lovely and English again. Litter-picking is all well and good, but it doesn’t get you honked at approvingly by passing white vans, does it?”
Witnesses confirmed that after completing his latest patriotic art installation, Williams retired to the pub to loudly complain about “people who don’t take pride in the area,” before flicking his fag end into a nearby hedge.
Neighbour Sandra Hughes told reporters, “I asked Derek once if he’d join our community clean-up, where we all spent a couple of hours one Saturday morning picking up as much litter as we could from the local streets. He said he couldn’t, because of ‘woke environmentalism’.
“Apparently, the only acceptable form of civic pride now involves vandalising road markings in the name of some Turkish fella called George.”
Council officials have reminded residents that painting road infrastructure without permission is technically criminal damage, to which Williams responded, “It’s not a crime if it’s for England,” before attempting to justify that statement with a quote from Nigel Farage that turned out to be something he’d made up.
Meanwhile, local children have reportedly begun calling the site “The Racist Roundabout,” which, ironically, has done more to put their town on the map than Derek ever did.
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