Vegan tampons taste nothing like the real thing, insists furious Nigel Farage

Nigel Farage is apparently furious today after biting into a tampon at the National Trust-owned Sizergh Castle only to discover the tampon was vegan. 

It follows a tweet from Farage criticising the National Trust for ‘putting vegan tampons in men’s toilets’, which apparently left a sour taste in the Reform leader’s mouth.

“The woke brigade have gone too far this time,” said Farage, tugging the string from the corner of his mouth.

“We can’t even snack on a tampon anymore without the extreme left making them vegan. What next? Vegan condoms? Vegan sanitary towels? Vegan incontinence pads? I don’t know about you, but I bet they all taste blody awful.

“They tried the same thing with the Greggs’ vegan sausage rolls and look what happened there. They were extremely popular and sold millions. Well, okay, maybe that’s a bad example. But I promise these vegan tampons aren’t very good. They just absorbed all my saliva and left a horrid aftertaste in my mouth. Such a terrible recipe.

“What? You’re not supposed to eat them? Then why even mention they’re vegan if you’re not meant to eat them? Seems a bit silly if you ask me. Okay, so what are tampons actually for then?

“Ewwww! They should really write that on the label in big letters before someone eats a whole box!”

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