“Fourth heatwave of the year and record wildfires absolutely nothing to worry about” insists man with head in rapidly warming bucket of sand

Britain is basking in its fourth heatwave of the year, with temperatures once again climbing high enough to make train tracks resemble liquorice.

Meanwhile, record wildfires have already devoured an area of countryside twice the size of Glasgow, a comparison which has left many Glaswegians hastily checking their gardens.

However, according to 53-year-old Simon Williams, from Basingstoke, there is absolutely no cause for concern, mainly because he has his head buried in a large bucket of sand.

“It’s lovely and peaceful down here,” Williams told reporters, lifting his head briefly for a sip of tepid lager and a Scotch egg before plunging it back under.

“Don’t hear much about ‘climate doom’ when you’ve got a good six inches of sand between you and reality.”

Simon admits the sand has become “uncomfortably warm” in recent weeks, but insists it’s nothing to do with climate change.

“Probably just… summer being a bit overenthusiastic,” he said, sweat visibly soaking the top of his buried neck, “You know, like a dog that’s excited to see you, and then smothers you, so you can’t breathe.”

Experts, however, warn that burying one’s head in the sand is unlikely to provide long-term protection against rising temperatures, especially as the sand itself is now hot enough to fry a free-range egg.

When asked if the growing wildfires around the country concerned him, Williams replied, “Not really. If flames get too close, I’ll just dig a bit deeper. Unless the sand catches fire, of course, but how likely is that?”

As the interview concluded, Williams submerged himself again, leaving only the muffled sound of his hummed denial. By evening, the sand was measured at 37°C, forcing Peter to emerge, blinking, into the burning sunset.

He squinted, considered the evidence before him, and then asked for a bigger shovel.

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