Elderly motorists to complete compulsory eye tests by driving to Barnard Castle

Ministers are considering a radical shake-up of motoring laws in Great Britain, which would include forcing over 70s to take compulsory eye tests by driving to Barnard Castle.

“Everyone knows the best way to check your eyes is by driving to Barnard Castle,” said Transport Secretary Heidi Alexander.

“I know a lot of medical practitioners, and they all agree that the best way to test your eyesight is by getting in the car, driving up to County Durham, and just praying you don’t hit anyone on the way there.

“This new legislation will only apply to over 70s. Obviously, anybody younger than 70 will still need to drive to some sort of castle to check their eyes. We’ll let them choose which castle that is, though. We’re not that controlling.

“In fact, we’ve even come up with a little proverb to help people remember what to do. You’ve probably heard of, ‘An apple a day keeps the doctor away.’ Now we have, ‘Eyes giving you hassle, drive to a castle’. Cute, right?

“We’re just hoping this new legislation makes the roads safer. I’m not saying elderly motorists are dangerous, but my 90-year-old Nan went for a drive the other day and a few hours later, ten cats were reported missing.”