Ozzy Osbourne devastated as enthusiastic Jesus welcomes him into heaven

Reports from the afterlife this morning have suggested that Ozzy – renowned Prince of Darkness – has been admitted to heaven against his will.

According to the Saintly Sentinel, the last significant event in Ozzy’s life – a concert which raised over £140m for Birmingham Children’s Hospital, Cure Parkinson’s and Acorn Children’s Hospice – was more than enough to make up for any previous misdemeanours in his life, even his inexplicable decision to record the single “Changes” with his coat-tail grabber daughter Kelly in 2003.

Our celestial sources have confirmed to us this morning that even Saint Peter was pushed aside, as Jesus ran from the Pearly Gates shouting “All Aboard!”, throwing Ozzy a bottle of scotch and then urinating on the petunias, causing Mary to ground him for a week and delete the heavy metal playlists from his iPad.

Ozzy himself told the celestial rag, which has a reputation for only being mischievously involved in the headlines when a celebrity dies that he was “completely unprepared for having to deal with paradise”.

“Fluffy clouds? Oh come on, I’m the prince of fucking darkness!

“I’ve done everything that I thought I could do to get into Hell.

“At school I was taught about heaven, the clouds and the fucking harps and the angels and everyone being peaceful and quiet and I thought, ‘Fuck that’, I’m going to do everything I can to get with the other side. I rebelled, I made my music, and I thought ‘fuck everyone else, this is my life and I’m living it loud’ – and that’s exactly what I did.”

Whilst heaven doesn’t really like that sort of nonsense, especially the biting heads off bats and doves and all of that sort of malarky, what it does like is people looking after their own.

“There are many people down there on Earth,” explained God, “the type who ride motorcycles and look like they want to hurt you, who haven’t put a foot wrong because of their adoration of this odd, but strangely loveable chap. And now they’re raising money for charity?

“Believe me, they’ll all be welcome, they’ll have an eternity of peace and quiet and their very own cloud!” beamed the ecstatic Creator, “I’m sure they’ll be over the moon!”

“I was looking forward to rubbing shoulders with the Devil himself,” said a furious Ozzy, “and I’m going to cause so much fucking chaos up there until I’m looking up to Hades and sitting on the shoulder of Lucifer forever.

“God won’t know his harps from his arsehole.”