Government begins issuing brand new ration books
by Nathan Cowley 1 year ago 
UK residents have been told to expect their brand new ration books this week after the government announced they were essentially preparing for wartime.
It comes after Prime Minister Keir Starmer set out the government’s defence strategy for the next decade, where he used not at all alarming phrases such as “war-fighting readiness” and “fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck”.
“Apparently, I’m only allowed half a Cuthbert the Caterpillar a week,” said local man Simon Williams.
“I’m partial to his white chocolate face, so I was slightly disappointed when Aldi gave me the arse-end instead. But hey, this is wartime and we all have to make sacrifices.
“Even the delivery substitutions are being rationed. It’s pretty annoying when you order half a chicken breast and get half a pork loin instead. My only regret is not registering at Tesco. Instead of two rashers of bacon a week, they give you two and a half rashers with your Tesco Clubcard.
“I just hope they don’t start another ‘Dig for Victory’ campaign. I’m terrible at growing my own vegetables. My neighbour has quite a few plants in his loft, so maybe I’ll ask him. He told me he was growing parsley up there, but since the police raids, I’m not so sure.
“Is parsley supposed to make your eyes red?”
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