‘Gourmet burger’ bears zero resemblance to picture on menu

A gourmet burger looks f**k all like its picture and its description on the burger restaurant menu, it has been confirmed today.

Simon Williams, described as the ‘Ultimate Bad Boy Double Beef with Monterey cheese’ apologised for the appearance of himself and his colleagues when presented to expectant and hungry customers at a table in absolutely any food establishment you can think of.

“What can I say? This is clearly unacceptable,” admitted Williams, gesticulating downwards at his own body and the main ingredients that make him up.

“A soggy bread bun containing a gristly and greasy piece of budget beef, a processed piece of cheddar cheese, and some token limp pieces of lettuce along with a solitary thin slice of tasteless onion. I can see why you’re somewhat disappointed.

“Given the photo on the screen where you ordered and the photos accompanying items on the menu, you’re well within your rights to expect a succulent, juicy, prime beef burger. One that is so stacked that you are genuinely going to struggle to extend your jaw wide enough to bite into me.

“I should, of course, also be totally symmetrical, with a lovely shimmer, and just a little bit of sauce oozing out my sides.

“And lying next to me, there should be a frankly prodigious, even implausibly large, portion of chunky hand-cut chips rather than the 7 pathetic, thin, pallid-looking fries you see before you.”

“All I can say is sorry,” continued Williams.